10 Worst Haunt Guests
By Isaac
We Ranked the Top 10 Worst Guests You’ll Encounter This Haunt Season
In anticipation of haunt season we’re ranking the 10 Worst Guests You’ll Encounter This Haunt Season. Haunting is a lot of fun but like many jobs a few awful customers can really bring down the mood (most of you are amazing!). Some are just annoying, others can be real vibe killers but worst of all are the ones that are actually dangerous. Cheers to the start of another haunt season!
10 – The Amateur Comedian
She’s got jokes. Most of them are about your bad breath.
“Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.” We really wish that we could.
9 – The Aspiring Social Media Influencer
The sound of footsteps draw near, the clown in the hall before you cackles, that’s your cue. You make a quick turn and burst out from your coffin, as you have a hundred times tonight. Your eyes trained to the darkness, you know they’ll never see you coming. Just then a hot white light spans across your scene and lands directly in your retinas. “Argahhhhh” you scream, hand outstretched to defend against the blinding beam streaming from an iPhone14. Another scream, then darkness again. An hour later a gentler warm white light from a dimed flashlight flicks back and forth across the floor. “They lost their phone?” you ask the manager. “They always do,” she replies.
8 – The Dude that thinks he’s going to scare the actors.
It didn’t occur to him that someone else might already be hiding behind that crypt, not until their foreheads came crashing together. Just go audition next year.
7 – The Man Who Came Alone
He came alone, in silence. He stood in line, in silence. He entered each scene, likewise, in silence. Scene after scene throughout the haunted house, in silence. Each time interrupting a moment of rest, a hushed conversion, a rapidly devoured snack, an efficiently chugged bottle of water. No one knew he was coming. No one knew when he was gone. Who was he? Where did he come from? Where did he go?
6 – The Woman Who Definitely Hasn’t Been Drinking, She Swears
She’s been taking shots of 99 Apples in the parking lot, you can smell it. Her friends stand on either side of her in the line, so that she never falls too far one way or the other. They buy her a funnel cake, that’ll help. She gets handsy with the creepy clown working the line. A little too handsy. Security escorts her out but not before she manages to puke in the concessions area.
5 – Six 13 year old kids without a chaperon
Their parents dropped them off at the haunt 3 hours ago on their way to date night at Applebee’s. There’s not a prop inside this place that they’re not going to punch.
When you pop out to scare them they tell you that you have no rizz. They’re not wrong.
4 – The Traumatized Child’s Father
He charges through the haunt; a wailing, sobbing 6 year old child over his shoulder. “No, we don’t need to be escorted out.” “No, he’s fine.”
3 – Those Haunters Haunting Other Haunts
The four of them roll up in their matching black sweatshirts, the Spooky-Scary-Woods logo proudly emblazoned on the back. Fast-Passes in hand they head straight for the line, commenting quietly, critically on the line management. Inside the haunt they walk at a steady pace, making not a single sound other than the occasional “that’s neat” or “I remember those from the convention.” They wonder aloud as a zombie growls and scratches inches from their faces how they would improve this scene. They give the zombie a polite clap, “nice job man, you almost got us.” They turn and walk to the next scene, hands in their pockets.
2 – Bro Who’s Ready to Square Up
He’s a tough guy. He’s definitely not afraid. If someone pops out to scare him in this haunted house he’s probably going to swing on them. He’s telling everyone, that’s just his natural reaction. He’s not afraid to square up on a 16 year old girl in a werewolf mask. He’s a tough guy.
1 – The Haunt Reviewer
He shows up early, he has 2 other haunted houses to hit tonight. He heads to the front desk to receive his free pass. The haunted house has great reviews but as he exits he’s not sure why. It seemed pretty empty to him and the actors he did see weren’t trying very hard. He writes that the place has a lot of potential but in several instances he came across actors who seemed to not be in their scenes, talking to one another or even eating. The sets were nice but the walkthrough just wasn’t very scary. He muses at the end of his review that perhaps it’s because he came alone. 4 out of 10 skulls. He just can’t recommend this haunted house.
**This Blog Post is satire, any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental**